Friday, August 26, 2011

Whole lot of dissing going on

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I suck as a blogger and will never get my own fancy book deal where I get to be snarky and rude and get dozens of dollars for it. I get that. Lets start over again, shall we?

Ok, maybe not.

Anyway, I've been asked if I watch the infamous Say Yes to the Dress by friends, readers, and brides alike. Not only that, I get told at the shop nearly ever day (by the mom, usually) that the bride loves SYTTD and wants her own magical Klienfeld's experience. Gah. I cannot emphasize enough how much I dislike that show. I have watched exactly 3/4 of an episode and wanted to shoot myself in the head by the 10 minute mark. "How can you hate it??? Don't you like looking at the dresses?" Honey (because let's face it anyone who asks me this question all doe-eyed and innocent deserves the patronizing title), I do not get paid to watch it, I get paid to live it, minus the big shop, numerous workers, and brides with big budgets.

Where I'm located, I am lucky to be able to get $2500 from a bride for a fully custom dress. People want to feel like they're on SYTTD without having to pay the money for it. Effing brides.

I further hate the show because brides watch it, see the crazies, and then think that dialing the crazy back from an 11 to a 9.9 somehow makes them "easy" to deal with.

Case in point:
Saturday I had a fitting with a bridal party. 3 bridesmaids, set for 2:00, but I was needing to get it done quickly. Why? Because a dear friend who I haven't seen in about 8 years was in town and that afternoon was the only time she could get together. I get a text an hour early confirming the 2:00 appointment with the oh so cute addition of "knowing my girls it will b more like 2:10 though ;)"
Hell. No. If we set the appointment for a specific time, that is when you show up. If you are more than 5 minutes late, you throw off other clients and will get a fee added to your bill. If you are more than 15 minutes late, you get to reschedule and pay a fee. I don't need a show to make these precious ponies feel even more entitled than they already do.

Lastly, I hate SYTTD because of two words. Pnina Tornai.

Oh, Pnina...may I call you Nina? Yeah, because Pnina is a more like a bad hand in scrabble and less like a name. Anyway, Nina I have so much to say to you. I know you are able to make some truly lovely things.

Elegant, whimsical, flattering, lovely (albeit, overpriced) things

But then you go and do things like this:

and I just don't think you know how upsetting that is to your mother and I. I mean, no one's mom wants them to design a dress that looks like grandma's bustier combined with a moth-eaten matador bolero sitting on a baby crib ruffle.

Really, you think this is better? Granted, the sheer sleeves really class it up all Nancy Kerrigan-style, but the lines pointing to the crotch aren't as subtle and tricksy as you think.

It's not exactly like a girl finishes up her Neverending Story audition/bellydancing class and says "Oh, hey! I better go get married! What to wear? Oh this will do." It is not helped any by the bedazzled biore strip covering the butt crack.

*(I actually thought the one on the right wasn't so bad, then I noticed it wasn't a Tornai. Mystery solved!)

When I have to play the game of Man or Woman, Pregnant or Not, and How Much is Skin? I get a little freaked out. At least you were able to recycle your paper bags to make a skirt!

Nothing like a full skirt dropped on the hips to make a girl feel slender and tall.
Seriously, Nin, I begin to think you do this just to mock me. I can't even tell if the morons taking this picture left the hanging loops out by accident, or if this is party of your "quirky" design aesthetic.

Look, if you aren't going to take this seriously, I don't see how any of us can help you. Your dresses hurt us and we want you to get help!

I give up.