Monday, March 29, 2010

Elbow elbow, wrist wrist

Thank the heavens above, the fitting the other day went well and that bride is no longer my concern. Idiot that she was, she was once the problem of a different seamstress but 5 fittings later decided it wasn't working out, so it was now on my shoulders. Yup, I had to redo someone else's work with only 4 days to do it. Bah! Oh, and that seamstress had already redone it three times. You can understand why I was a bit nervous about the situation.

So, onto happier things...or at least less fresh things (why do I feel like I need to be walking on the beach with a trusted friend when I say that?). Have I mentioned that I hate pageant people? No? Well, I do. We've had a couple brides come into the shop with their fake tans, bleached all to hell teeth, ugly blonde highlights perfectly coiffed with the aid of the biggest bumpit ever created and their moms. Oh the moms. Their moms do all the talking (typically about how amazing their daughter is) and the daughters do all the bitching. Bust still, why so much rage?

1. They get nasty orange makeup all over the insides of the dresses. Seriously, why do you need makeup on your chest? How is it getting into all the nooks and crannies of the designer dresses? Why is it always the same exact shade of orange?

2. The delicate little snowflakes are so much more special than every other bride ever. "Well, she is used to wearing very expensive gowns, so this one has to be amazing," and, "Well she's been in a lot of pageants and won the *insert random title that means absolutely NOTHING to anyone with any sense* two years running, so I certainly hope you have something that can wow us." Look, I don't sell the dresses, I just make them look right. I couldn't care less if you aren't "wowed" by the dresses here.

3. They sit and fuss over the smallest details that, apparently, make them look bigger than they are. Honey, between the eating disorders and the overexposure to UV rays, you look like a freaking slim jim. I know you are just fishing for compliments about how you actually look so great, well this stream is all tapped out, best try elsewhere.

4. They call me Hon, Sweetie, Babe, and every other variant that exists. Listen, Sugar, I am older than you and I have a name. Use it or GTFO.

Is that enough? Is my hate justified yet? I had one of these cheeto orange monstrosities a while back that stood out more than some others. A few minutes into the fitting it turned out that I had known her brother several years back. We were never super close, so I just chuckled a bit and went back to pinning. She decided that "Ohmygosh, that is just so crazy and who could have imagined such a small world! And ohmygosh, mom, call him right now!!"
Yes, while I was trying to do my job, I was forced into an awkward phone call with a guy who I hadn't spoken to in over 5 years. He was married and had 2 or 3 kids and, after asking me if I had kids, questioned when I was going to take the leap.

*On a side note, if you want to make me all stabby, ask me when I am going to have kids. I typically tell people that unless they are directly involved in their making, they don't need to worry about what goes on in my uterus so much*

I go back to pinning the girl who is quickly becoming my least favorite person ever while her mom insists on telling me all the amazing things her kids have accomplished. The list pretty much consists of being pretty, and procreating. Once it was all finished, both of them made sure I knew to be extra careful and do an extra good job on her dress since she is so super important. They even tell me I should come to the reception since I'm basically an old family friend now. Yeah, I got home and proceeded to chuck the dress on a chair in a wad*.

*Look, the dresses are all made in China and get smooshed into a tiny box to ship on a boat. Nothing I do can hurt it any worse. I make sure they don't get damaged or dirty, but sometimes you have to let a few crinkles show your rage. That is, until I steam them out.


  1. OK first of all...why don't you take your blog private if you want to be all sneaky sneaky
    Second these are great stories!
    Third when people ask me about having children I tell them I am infertile. That stops them in their tracks and they feel stupid for asking such a person question.
    Yeah, I think you need to go private so we can see some photos with these posts.

  2. First and by far, most importantly-you ARE the prettiest blogger who ever blogged.
    Second, I could NEVER do what you do. I feel that you should rage on with the fire of a thousand suns.
    Hooray for this blog!

  3. Have I told you lately that I love you? Thank you for the smiles. BTW, I found the *perfect* shoes for a little future friend. ;)

  4. Those awkward phone calls are the worst! There's nothing more that I want to do than talk to someone I haven't spoken to in years--and there just may be a reason we haven't spoken! Anyway--orange makeup? That's gross.

  5. I would appreciate less bashing on Slim Jim's in your post. They are a delicious beefy treat that haven't ever demanded to look less fat in a dress.

    Oh, and when ARE you gonna have kids? *quickly ducks*


Tell me I'm the prettiest blogger or I'll throw pins at you and tell you that you have ruined my special day!