Thursday, April 29, 2010

Weekly Snark

I know, I know. It's been longer than a week since the last one and I suck and all that. I'm still determining when I will have the snark day be, but until then it's going to be a bit unpredictable.

I should warn you all now that the spelling might be a bit off and the analogies may be less accurate. You see a magical thing happens when I am working consistently 12-16 hour days. Like the poet wrote, my body is a wonderland, but rather than having such features as a bubble gum tongue (uh..what?) I have broken bits that go on full rebellion when I overdo it. Currently, when I have a free moment to notice that I haven't showered in a few days, great amounts of pain crash through to my consciousness and demand my full attention. Something about unions, I suspect. Anyway, the point to this little story is that I am on some pain meds right now that don't make me the most lucid of creatures. They also make me realize that they don't play so well with delicate lacework. Not to worry, no one's dress got ruined. Yet.

So what could be more fun than me mocking wedding dresses? Me mocking dresses while on drugs that bring out the judgemental side even more. Yes it's possible. Shut up. You're fat.

On to the insults!

Looks like someone managed to set down their denim jacket and acid washed jeans long enough to sport this bedazzled number. Thank goodness that column is there so she can pose with her relaxed arm-shelf action. Also, what the hell is on the column? Is that supposed to be a carriage? Because I deffinitely though it was glitter cake or something. Really, I think it's the photoshop that makes this such a winner for me. In case I didn't know that each point of her silvery netting that was stolen from under a cake has a little something special, photoshop lets me know that there are sparkles to be had. Either that, or LED lights. Actually, LED lights on a dress would be awesome. Verdict: C-

What could be sexier than a giant, pink pillow that you find on you're grandmas bed? Freaking nothing! That's right, and this bride knows it. She's saying "Come hither. I am wearing the duvet, so we can have our tryst anywhere at all!" There is even a chair with needlepoint on it, so they totally are with me on this. I don't know if it's the meds, but as I let my eyes travel down the "skirt" it looks more and more like saggy flesh. Just me? Seriously, it's like I'm looking at a shaved shar pei. Verdict: Too much effing fabric!

All hail the accessory queen! Handbag, bracelet, necklace (presumably), earrings, bad highlights, oh and the innards of the duvet pictured above. Brilliant! To be honest, I am very much into the feathery illuminators with a touch of birdcage netting (even they know they belong together) but this has properly cured me of it, I think. It looks like she took a wrong turn at the Tyson chicken factory tour. Verdict: No

Even the mirror agrees with me. I'm glad that Deb stopped hanging out with Pedro and Napoleon long enough to get engaged, but lose those shoes, huh? The dress itself isn't terrible, I guess. The ruffles are pretty fun. It's too bad her scraped knee is bleeding all over them, though. Verdict: Your mom goes to college!

Oh, Australia. What new horror have you wrought for us now? Here is the creative meeting behind this design:
-She needs to look sexy, so maybe a corset?
-Oh definitely a corset, but those aren't so sexy on their own. How about we make most of the corset sheer?
-Bob, you are a genius! Could we somehow bring more attention to her boobs?
-Hmmm....well, if we throw a couple packs of those ribbon rosettes on them, people will have to notice, right?
-True...but it's not quite enough attention. After all, who notices breasts without some extra help, right?
-I've got it! What if the front of the corset is totally open. Like almost down to her navel. Surely, that would bring some attention to her funbags.
-Oy mate, truth! How bout we make the skirt look like a giant jellyfish!

And scene. That is totally how it went down. Verdict: Danger, danger, danger!


  1. The first dress I hate--it reminds me of waterfalls and dusty old doilies. Two things that should never go together (I'm not sure they could make it separately in this case either though). The duvet--hmmm...a tryst anywhere? Sounds like a good time! Chicken lady and Deb--ack! And Australia--you have got to be kidding. Boo.

  2. The first dress reminds me of a cupcake. I'm hungry.
    Oh pain meds, you silly devils!

  3. I think you should do one about Pnina Tornai's dresses next time . . . Some of them are really pretty, but a lot of them are insanely ugly/revealing/scary! Or a Say Yes to the Dress one :)

  4. I can't really stomach watching Say Yes to the Dress. It hits too close to home and I find myself thinking "Hey, I'm not getting paid for this." I'll have to try to find pictures without getting PTSD. Tornai is so hit or miss, I will definitely have to do a Tornai-based snark.


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